For every deep valley, there is a higher mountain.

the weight trifecta: body image, food issues, and general disaster

Reading Skinny by Diana Spechler caused me to reconsider everything I think I know about weight loss, food, and how I became 40 pounds overweight.  Gray, the main character is a compulsive emotional eater who struggles with guilt about her father’s death.  She is unhappy in her relationship, and a general disaster.  She is also a careful observer.  Gray watches her mother remain “skinny” by obsessing about weight loss.  She watches her father become morbidly obese and die.  There’s more to Gray’s story.  But this was enough for me to learn more about my own journey.

Here’s what you should know about me:

For the first 18 years of my life, I was “skinny”. Most people would even call me healthy.  At my last pre-college checkup, I weighed 142 pounds.  All 142 pounds were maintained with unhealthy food choices, tons of sweet and salty snacks, and SODA.  I loved SODA.  I worked during most of HS so I could afford to buy junk! I was never active. I was always the smart girl.  So being healthy did not matter. I hated anything that required me to run or sweat.  My only physical activity came from walking - between classes and in my commute.  I was also anemic and an emotional eater.



In college, I managed to eat like a queen.  Campus food joints let me indulge in every sweet, salty, crunchy, fattening treat that I couldn’t get at home.  Taco Bell, Cinnabon, Chinese takeout. Freshman year was also when my depression became real.  Along with gorging on unhealthy foods and pulling all nighters, I was an emotional wreck.  Yeah… I’m sure we both know where this is going.   I was a disaster.

By senior year, I was over 165 pounds.  I joined a gym but did not have the courage or knowledge to truly get fit.

During a hellish first year in the “real world”, I put on another 20 pounds.  2008-2011 has been a rollercoaster of ups and downs - in weightloss, money, and love.  It’s been a beautiful disaster.

Here’s who I am NOW:
I have been consistent with physical activity and tracking since May 31, 2011.
When I cannot track, I lose control of my caloric intake.
Finding the right gym was essential to losing weight in 2010.
Since I left the gym, having the right workouts is everything.
If I try to THINK before I EAT, I do less emotional eating.

Here’s why I’m afraid:
- I don’t want to be like Gray’s mother.  I don’t want to be one of those people who is always counting calories, weighing portions.  Will this ever become intuitive?  Can I have freedom and control AND be healthy?
- I want to love my body.  I have become slightly obsessed by its imperfections.  This happen every time I begin to lose weight.
- I am tired of the damn yoyoing.  Healthy eating habits and exercise have never been consistent.

I’m happy to be getting back to the old me.  But how do I stay there?